By Sara Ghanawi | Contributing Writer
Relationships in all their forms, whether romantic, platonic, or familial, have long confused people and put them in a spiral. As humans, we find it hard to understand ourselves, and it usually takes us decades of our lives, if not our life in its entirety, to understand the underpinnings of our actions, reactions, thoughts, and feelings. So one can imagine the struggle that comes with trying to understand another human being with their minds and worlds. What’s even more perplexing is trying to understand relationships involving two or more human beings exchanging these thoughts and feelings. Each end of the relationship has its interpretations, perceptions, and reflections on what was exchanged. As such, confusion, misunderstandings, and miscommunications are very natural to occur between people.
One might expect that the closer you get to the person, the more you would understand them and, thus, the less you’ll conflict with them. However, getting too close to people is just as dangerous as being too detached. In exploring the intricate dynamics of relationships, achieving a healthy and enduring connection necessitates the delicate navigation between closeness and distance.
Extreme proximity, when it comes to relationships, is usually risky. Humans are social creatures; we need to feel connected and deeply understood to feel alive. Our inherent relentless desire to be understood is augmented by the people we’re closest to and, as such, our heartbreak from being misunderstood by them is substantially more profound as well. The closer we get to people, the more likely we are to be sensitive to their words, feedback, comments, and behavior. There is greater room for taking things personally, being misunderstood, and getting hurt.
We assume that since they’re so close, they now confidently know us, our preferences, triggers, and emotions; therefore, they won’t hurt us. It’s just intuitive to assume that people will understand us better the more they know us. This assumption forms the basis for the risky aspect of proximity.
When getting to know someone we like, we often get the urge to instantly form an intimate bond with them. We tend to prefer to rush the stages of getting to know that person to reach the most intimate stages. We’re stuck in a binary between being strangers or very close friends. We’d prefer to think of relationships in terms of black and white, you’re either my closest of friends or just another stranger. And that is because having relationships in the grey zone is inconsistent with our preference for clarity. We are uncomfortable not knowing our position in relation to another person, where we stand in their lives, and their honest perception of us. However, listening to the whims of our anxious minds isn’t the wisest of decisions. One can’t find true clarity unless one becomes comfortable with the grey zone of relationships. Having acquaintances, coworkers, teammates, and regular friends is a constant feature of social life. This is why learning how to establish and maintain such relationships is important.
This gives rise to the question: where do we draw the line? It seems as if we can’t be vulnerable with anyone whatsoever. A hard-to-swallow pill about humans is that, as much as there is beauty in our depth, there is also a lot of complexity and darkness that comes with it. Thus, to be vulnerable is to show the closest person to us our worst versions of ourselves. And as much as we’d want them to accept it, they won’t always have to deal with it fully. No matter how compatible people are, no two persons are completely in sync and align fully on values, morals, interests, and opinions. So it is a fact in life that being extremely raw and vulnerable with someone will expose these misalignments and bring about inconveniences in the relationship.
Does that mean that we won’t be able to enjoy deep intimate relationships with others? No, but we should expect that many unhealthy aspects of relationships will emerge as a result and we should wisely deal with them. This requires emotional maturity, intelligence, and willingness to be patient on both ends. Still, emotional distancing is the most sustainable solution.
In essence, keeping people at a distance is not about cutting off connections, it’s about maintaining them. Emotional distancing plays a vital role in maintaining our mental well-being as well as our relationships with others. Striking the right balance between complete emotional detachment and unhealthy emotional attachment is key. Picture it like being positioned on a log with another person facing you. As you move closer toward the middle or stand on the log’s extremities, there’s a risk that the log might tumble. To ensure both of you survive and the log fulfills its role of carrying you both, maintaining a healthy distance from each other is essential.
In summary, the most successful method for enduring relationships is to sustain a delicate balance in proximity, steering clear of any precarious teetering.