By Nour Makarem | Staff Writer
Love is crazy. Love is blind. Love is slowly losing your mind. In an age where everybody is “protecting their peace,” opting to “attract not chase,” and claiming to do the work, why is it that many still are not able to find “relationship material”? How did we get here?
Let’s begin by setting the context of the current dating world.
Although dating apps may not be so popular in Lebanon, there is a heavy unspoken reliance on mingling through other platforms of social media, such as Instagram, Twitter, or Snapchat. It is as easy as finding a profile you like, through the suggested tab or through a tag in someone’s story you happen to be viewing. You check out the respective profile, see the “vibe,” and proceed to send a DM, usually in response to a story so as to not seem too desperate. Already, the approach we take to meeting others is very much like window shopping; we see, we like, we swipe. And much like the nature of how we’ve come to begin relationships, we have also taken a similar disposable approach when it comes to being in relationships.
In the last few years, we’ve seen a rise in the area of self-help, whether it be about dating or about the self. It is clear that the youth of today can enlighten themselves on any topic within a few taps away on their phones. An example of such is girls reviewing the book Why Men Love Bitches on Tik Tok. Published in 2002, Why Men Love Bitches is the “strong woman’s” dating guide, on how to maintain your self-respect and always leave men wanting more. Scrolling through my TikTok for you page, which allows me to tap into the current trends, a string of book reviews of this text pops up. Everyone is invested. Now, enough about this specific text, to be very blunt, there is an ever-growing side of Tik Tok that holds a space where women are encouraged to prioritize their self-care and attract the right match from within. This is also very beneficial for the self, and frankly, it is refreshing to see a new generation of girls who know their value.
On the other hand, a large portion of the young men in this world have found more conservative voices in digital spaces, such as Jordan Peterson or even Andrew Tate. Many of these voices clearly hold more traditional values, and promote perhaps an overly saturated image of the “manly man”. These figures continually make references to the transition from boy to man, claiming that to build a man he must experience a breaking first. The more he endures, the tougher he becomes. While there was controversy surrounding Andrew Tate’s sudden fame and controversial clips on social media, I have to admit I was not surprised to see how quickly he rose to popularity given the pain and trauma that is so prevalent in the male collective consciousness. Though misogyny is never excusable, and nor is sexism in any form, it is healthy for men to have these spaces to discuss the unique experiences of manhood that many creators are shaming men for, quick to dismiss any man under perceived stereotypical behavior instead of coming to understand each other. In a world where men are told to suck it up, they will seek spaces where they are allowed to exist, even if some of these creators are controversial. So of course, when a creator who even slightly fits that gap in the media appears, men are likely to listen.
When one considers the drastic difference between the content spaces among men and women, it is clear that there is an imbalance. It seems that while people are opting to do the work within themselves, they are forgetting the work that must be done with regard to how one relates to others. While women are lifting themselves up, with the media pushing for the rise of the feminine now more than ever, there is a less-than-positive view of men. Don’t get me wrong, while it is healthy and wonderful to see women know their worth, it is also extremely unrealistic to think that everything is the fault of men. While independent women have the advantage of choice in life, they are starting to make the choice on the account of men’s growth. It seems like people are disregarding that everyone is healing through unique sets of trauma, everyone has different attachment and communication styles; everyone is different. It is as if men expect women to adhere to traditional and rather out-dated concepts of relationships whereas women expect men to take on what are traditionally known as female characteristics, such as being overly expressive with words when most men tend to be better at expressing themselves through actions.
One little mistake and boundaries are set, relationships are cut, and numbers are blocked. This is not to say that one shouldn’t react accordingly to any perceived disrespect or inappropriate behavior, but rather we should be more considerate to the mistakes that one is prone to making when one is new to relationships which youth, who have access to more self-help content and relationship gurus, do not seem to have compassion for.
We already know that Generation Z is having less sex and not prioritizing serious relationships to the extent of earlier generations. With that being said, they are also not partaking in hookup culture as casually, with the rise of the “situationship”. The situationship is the gray area between casually hooking up and a committed relationship. While those involved partake in both physical and emotional intimacy, which distinguishes the situationship from a hook-up, there is an agreement to not engage further in commitment, typically due to external factors, such as university seniors who are to move away after graduation. While it may be convenient, it seems that the traditional relationship continues to disappear, with most not willing to be vulnerable to the extent required to connect with someone on the level typically expected during a relationship. More than ever before, social media in recent years has pushed the idea of “fuck bitches get money,” or “fuck it we ball.” All very motivating, but largely missing the bigger issue. While it is good to stay focused on one’s goals and disregard any painful situations to shield yourself from trauma, it seems we have not realized that pretending to not have feelings does not literally mean one is shielded from or immune to emotional pain. Many of us are walking around with trauma and pain that by pushing further down, we continue to expand, as more unaddressed issues arise. Many times, we hear of our peers complaining about recent failed talking stages, or situationships where one person leads on the attached one due to attachment issues. While many of these complaints are also part of the problem itself.
The truth is that our generation, while working more on themselves, has not put the same effort into interpersonal relationships and how to relate to each other. What good are a positive self-image and healed heart when you do not know how to use them? When you are unable to positively relate to people? Or even extend that healing outward? Everyone is doing the healing, and everyone is trying to find “the one,” but everyone “sucks” at the same time. Like the confusion of that previous sentence, phrases our generation finds itself constantly reiterating, our collective emotional health as a whole is just as multi-faceted and confusing. The reality is that while it is good to go deep into one’s psyche through tools such as therapy or counseling, sometimes we fixate too much on others’ flaws without realizing that many times the issue is just a matter of miscommunication. And even with the issue of miscommunication, we blame others for not coming forward and telling us what the issue is at hand, but may not realize that other people may hold different communication styles and may address situations differently. Reducing relational issues to basic concepts, like honesty and communication, disregards deeper issues in relation to how much space we make for each other as humans. More often than not, we are walking around projecting versions of the people we grew up around who hurt us onto the people we love most. After all, human bodies are built in such a way that our necks hold space for others to lay their neck on, our bodies can comfortably come together for a hug, and our hands are able to intertwine. We are such social and relational species that it is saddening to see the dismissal of such an important aspect of healing.
To summarize, just as women want men to meet them halfway, it is only fair that women meet men halfway too. One may argue that women of many generations have spent their lives sacrificing themselves for men, such as raising children on their own while men are out for work. However, with the advancement of mental health awareness and knowledge in healing, women now know what boundaries to set and how to communicate their needs. It is simply a matter of personifying power less and men more. And men, do not shy away from asking someone out to get to know them. Being nice to someone does not cue in wedding bells.
On a final note, I would like to add that while our generation is probably most aware of the fact that we all have some healing to do, I do believe we need to be reminded that there is no specific amount of healing to be done before getting into a relationship. It is all relative. Sometimes the final steps to feel as though you’ve done enough of the work are found within companionship. It may surprise us how much mending the heart is able to do through the comfort of a supportive relationship.