By Ghina Taan | Staff Writer
As Valentine’s Day rounds the corner, all bachelorettes must proceed with caution. Don’t get me wrong, I’m the first one to surf Netflix for the good ol’ 2000s romcoms, or any romantic series for that matter, just to get a kick out of seeing Chuck crash Blair’s wedding in Gossip Girl, or Andy and Ben sing “You’re so Vain” in front of a crowd in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, and Jess follow Rory just to profess his love for her in Gilmore Girls (forever a Logan girlie by the way). What all these over-the-top romantic gestures have in common, however, is how misleading they are. The portrayal of romantic relationships in Hollywood has become so out of touch with reality that they started to mess with it.
For instance, there is little to no attention given to the attachment styles of the pairings, which constitute the basic psychology of the characters and their innate humanness. Instead, couples seem to be assigned in a way to cater to the audience’s favorite fictional romantic tropes like “enemies-to-lovers”, or “grumpy vs. sunshine”, when in reality, these tropes were made fictional for a reason. There is no future for some of these relationships outside of a 40-inch screen–-there’s a reason the movies fade to black right after the dramatic chase down the airport or the passionate reconciliation under the rain, because this is as good as it gets. Onward from here, it’s not as rose-colored as it once seemed, because now, it’s unfiltered and real. This is usually where the director screams “cut” and you’re left gulping down chocolate, swearing you’re never going to find “the one.” It’s not that you haven’t found “the one,” it’s just that you haven’t found the one that matches your attachment style yet.
According to the book Attached by Amir Levine (2010), there are three main attachment styles: secure, avoidant, and anxious. The secure attachment style involves feeling comfortable with intimacy and relying on others. People with an anxious attachment style, on the other hand, have a strong desire for closeness but often worry about being abandoned. Finally, those with an avoidant attachment style prefer to avoid intimacy and independence is their priority. Identifying your attachment style goes a long way in telling you how your needs should be met in a relationship, and helping you identify the right partner accordingly.
Here’s how Hollywood comes into the picture. The movie industry has made millions out of wrongly matching attachment styles and creating unrealistic romances that won’t last past the credits. As long as Hollywood falsely portrays the happy ending of two incompatible attachment styles, you’ll seek to recreate such unhealthy dynamics in real life. The issue is it won’t work. Psychology proved it, science proved it, and if you look close enough, life has been proving it to you for a while. As long as you keep choosing the wrong partners, you’ll keep getting your heart broken. You’ll get stuck in toxic relationships because you’re hoping they’ll suddenly realize you’re the one. You might even put up with hurtful behavior because you think that deep down, they truly like you, they just don’t know how to show it.
Now let’s take a closer look into the representation of attachment styles in multimedia. Enter dismissive avoidant. You’ve at least seen that type in nine out of ten shows. Take Chuck Bass in Gossip Girl or Big in Sex and the City. And if not, don’t worry, there are thousands of main leads out there who fit right into the type. Let’s say, James Bond, Bruce Wayne, or even Christian Grey. Hollywood has glorified these characters and spent tons in casting efforts to make them appeal like the ideal version of a man. Lack of communication and the total refusal of codependency are the main pillars of these characters. They’re usually the ones deemed irresistible with a shade of God complex and commitment issues. They love their independence and won’t settle until they meet that one girl that changes their life upside down. With the abundance of such movies, they make the likelihood of that look high. They also make it sound like a heroic journey the main female lead should be proud to partake in.
Since movies have a way of infiltrating their way into our culture, we’ve begun to seek them out in real life. The predictable plot twist we don’t see coming is that some of these men don’t make the right partners. There’s no magical “I can fix him” formula to make them settle. And instead of rebuking this immature behavior, as a healthy person ought to do, we begin questioning our self-esteem. Why weren’t we good enough to make them settle? Why weren’t we good enough to be the heroine of this story?
If you have a secure attachment and know you deserve better, you’ll shrug it off and acknowledge it’s not you, it’s them (for real, this time). But if you have an anxious attachment, which usually causes the so-called “anxious-avoidant trap,” this is where you begin to internalize it. You’ll keep repeating the same pattern until you’ve sealed the deal. Truth is, you will never “seal the deal” because these two attachment styles never work out. The needs of anxious and avoidant partners are the complete opposite.
When it comes to anxious attachment, it’s usually depicted in characters who either act obsessive, like Ross in Friends, or just downright crazy, like Cassie in Euphoria. Her extreme outbursts have become major Tiktok trends, where her demand for intimacy from an avoidant drives her to the brink of insanity. Zendaya has a talent for many things and accurately depicting the anxious-avoidant trap is one of them. Such attachment will drive an anxious partner towards unprecedented extremes, dressing like a “country movie star” just for a sliver of affection from an avoidant.
500 Days of Summer serves as a poignant illustration of the dynamic between individuals with anxious and avoidant attachment styles. Unlike your typical romantic comedy, the film doesn’t culminate in a fairy tale ending. The protagonist, Tom, displays an anxious attachment style, which fuels his fixation on Summer, a fellow avoidant, who from the beginning has made it clear that she is not seeking a serious commitment. Despite her decision, Tom persistently presses for greater intimacy, ultimately leading to the end of their relationship. Summer seeks happiness with another partner, who she ends up marrying. When Tom confronts her about her sudden commitment, she responds by saying she found with her husband what she was never sure of with him. While Summer is sometimes portrayed as the villain for rebuffing Tom’s demands, the reality is that both characters would be better served in relationships that align with their respective attachment styles; Summer would thrive with a secure individual who allows her to dictate the pace of the relationship, while Tom would benefit from the comfort and security provided by someone who meets his attachment needs.
While both attachment styles are better off with secure partners, it’s too “boring” to be represented in movies. There’s so much representation of unhealthy attachment that healthy attachment never makes the cut. It doesn’t sell. It doesn’t hit with the right amount of angst that’ll make a movie last an hour and a half. We’ve become so engrossed in enjoying the thrill of the chase that we keep running way past the finish line. If you are ever serious about building long-lasting and nurturing relationships, then it’s time to look at love in romance movies with a grain of salt.
We usually stop children from watching movies with violence or sabotage, under the fear they’ll apply that to themselves, or others. It’s about time we approach teenagers and young adults with the same caution. Movies will always influence real life, regardless of if you’re old enough to skip the “parental advisory”. And while the repercussions may not be as obvious as teenagers consuming packs of cigarettes while reenacting a Shelby outro, they can be just as serious.
So, what can we do about this Hollywood-fueled fallacy? The answer is simple: know your attachment style and choose partners wisely. If you’re secure, embrace your worth and don’t settle for less. If you’re anxious, focus on finding someone who complements your needs and respects your boundaries. And for those with dismissive-avoidant attachment, open yourselves up for attachment, because no partner will be responsible for doing the groundwork for you. Regardless of the attachment style, you should choose someone who will be there for you, not just when the cameras are rolling, but for the long haul. Love is about finding someone who brings out the best in you, not just for one movie-worthy moment, but for a lifetime after.