1983. Crema, Northern Italy. Although written in 2007, “Call Me By Your Name” only gained popularity 10 years later when it was produced as a movie. The book, however, holds a level of beauty, rawness, and disturbance that can only be caused by language. It is those attributes specifically that made it so controversial.

On the one hand, there was romanticization of the aesthetic of Italy, and of a softly blooming queer relationship between Elio and Oliver. On the other hand, there was a denunciation of the little sensitization shown towards the grooming of a 17-year-old by a 24-year-old. But perhaps what makes the book even more interesting is the fact that it is written from Elio’s perspective. The description and romanticization are really heavy in the book as Elio speaks, whereas in the movie, we just get beautifully shot scenes with no insight into the one-sided observations. 

In the book, it seems like Elio is the gazer and Oliver is being gazed at. Oliver is carefree, nonchalant, treasured, and loved. Elio is an observer, almost an outsider in his own house. He barely speaks, is barely heard, and acknowledges this as an age discrimination: “I was seventeen that year and being the youngest at the table and the least likely to be listened to, I had developed the habit of smuggling as much information into the fewest possible words.”  He even assigns Oliver with a different personality based on the colour of his swimsuit; he notices all his mood swings…

 Although Elio observes a lot, he does not hold the power of the observer. His attraction to Oliver and the age gap between them put him in the position of object despite his attempts at being a subject. That is obvious in the gradual change in the description of Oliver’s demeanour: he progressively becomes more exhibitionary, allowing him to be granted the privilege of being all-knowing. More importantly, he is so comfortable in his behaviour that the notion of social performance completely fades away. People stop becoming an audience, unlike for Elio who is constantly obsessing over impressions and hyper fixates over his acts. 

Elio sees Oliver as his world, his everything, whereas Oliver sees Elio as an experience. He gets married in the US and leaves Elio crying by the fireplace. Elio is haunted by the promises of the older boy, whilst Oliver is entertained by the remembrance of a summer in Italy. From Mitski’s “you have so much to do and I have nothing ahead of me” to the parallelism “you were a wonderful experience… you were my everything” in the story of Adventure Time’s character Betty, art never fails to represent the dog-like abandonment lived by the attached. The popular canine imagery surfacing on social media – loving like a dog, biting when scared, having the blood and emotional intensity of a fierce animal – resonates deeply with Elio’s experiences. Throughout the book, Oliver is known for saying “Later!” instead of “Goodbye”. The “Later!” leaves a sense of ambiguous continuity. The “Later!” is a thread that Elio obsesses over and is unable to let go of. It leaves him on edge, and that is how he is constantly manipulated. Always waiting, always anticipating, always acknowledging Oliver’s eyes. 

I mentioned earlier that Oliver is described by Elio in the book as someone so comfortable with themselves that they do not need to perform, and that is how he makes him a God and imprisons himself in his gaze. Oliver becomes omnipresent; he has the power of judging, he is the audience that Elio performs for, and he has the upper hand because he freed himself from the shackles of acting for attention. 

In many passages, Elio describes purposely sitting in Oliver’s eyesight. He is convinced Oliver can “read [his] mind” and that “he must know.” He feels naked and unbearably exposed under Oliver’s gaze and lives the real experience of a doomed object. At times, he even refuses to stare at Oliver as the “look” will expose him. It is that of surrender, unlike Oliver’s look, which is of judgement and disapproval. Elio’s state approaches that of limerence. 

All actions are interpreted in the hopes of reciprocity, and that is what is not obvious in the movie: Elio’s intentions and descriptions of Oliver. In a passage in the first chapter, Elio mentions how he wants Oliver to be gone from his house and for him to even be dead. He says, “I wanted to kill him myself even” and “If I didn’t kill him, then I’d cripple him for life, so that he’d be with us in a wheelchair”. Elio is unable to establish authority or control Oliver’s behaviour, and he constantly expresses frustration at how free-spirited he is. Oliver is the ultimate controlling being, and the control is emphasised by a fear of being seen, as queerness was really frowned upon in 1983. 

The grooming in “Call Me By Your Name” is so normalised, or not acknowledged as grooming, since the relationship is queer, and queerness is still insulted as or mistaken for paedophilia. Even within accepting queer communities, grooming and unsafe hookups are encouraged by a few, or seen as the only source of love by others. Queer people are more vulnerable to these issues, and the line between manipulation and love becomes thinner when you have always been painted as unworthy of love. Many young queer people struggle in finding people their age due to discomfort with identity or loneliness and loss in general. They resort to the only option left: older queer people, especially through dating apps.

However, that is not the only reason. Some older queer people have inherited the comphet standards we were socialised into or are not as accepting of their sexuality as young people, who tend to express themselves more or explore the dating scene more comfortably. Either way, age gaps in these relations tend to be manipulative. I have personally, alongside some acquaintances, been involved with similar things, and it has a really detrimental effect on both parties, but more on the younger person. Attachment seems to breed violence: this is what I was taught, this is what I will teach, I will bite like I was bitten but also convince you that there is love in malice.

Elio was messy, drooling, hating, yet loving savagely, with sharp teeth. Unlike in the movie, in the book, Elio meets Oliver again 20-30 years later. Oliver has kids, a wife, and a home, they meet at his university where he is a professor. Even after all that time, Oliver is framed as the one who has a separate life while Elio is dragging behind him and living life with a hand always stuck out and reaching for what he once lost. 

“He came. He left. Nothing else had changed. I had not changed. The world hadn’t changed. Yet nothing would be the same. All that remains is dream making and strange remembrance.”