By Lara Alhassanieh | Staff Writer
“She knew she had to teach them how to love themselves, that this was the only way they had a chance at happiness. Only she didn’t see how she could when the world pressed shame into women like pillows into their faces. She wanted to save her daughters from her fate, but she couldn’t seem to find a way out”. -Etaf Rum
Shame, that insatiable feeling that can’t get enough of our soul, and we often wonder why we let it. It might seem like a self-fulfilling prophecy, why we become the way we are, building walls to trap ourselves in instead of windows of opportunity to exceed societal expectations. Much like an invisible hand, society nudges and whispers in our ears, giving us the illusion of freedom of choice or confinement depending on how this voice makes us feel. To some extent, society can become our inner critic or even our inner voice of “guidance”, giving us a purpose whether we decide to pursue it or not.
Now, you might be wondering, what is society? Well, to put it simply, society is comprised of people like you and me. People who naturally crave connection on some level, and social norms play a role in mediating these interactions with minimal issues. So, it’s safe to say that every nail that sticks out gets hammered. However, we are often misguided into thinking that following society’s every whim keeps us safe and happy. And we end up with the question “What would people say?” as part of our subconscious without noticing.
Research by Frances A. Champagne, a neuroscientist and psychologist at Columbia University, found that mothers transfer their behavior to their offspring, including coping mechanisms[1]. And I’m sure that many of us can relate to feelings of anxiety, depression, or possibly suicidal ideation at some point in time. During intense phases of such waves of emotions, we might think that there’s something wrong with us and us only. But the roots of such feelings and coping mechanisms go deeper than that.
According to Bowlby, a British psychologist known for his work in attachment theory, our attachment styles are influenced by a long and complicated history of interpersonal relations within the values and practices of the mother’s culture [2]. Therefore, it’s not out of the question to consider such awful feelings of worthlessness, demotivation, distrust, and feelings of pain that are associated with shame. With shame comes taboo, however, many women continue to vocalize their issues, fighting for their rights.
Womena is a media company which illuminates current taboos that seem nonsensical when examined closely. Stephanie Haddad, a certified life coach, uses Womena as a platform to discuss such taboos such as dating or marrying a divorced woman, and what is considered beautiful in today’s world. With every video Stephanie Haddad makes, she brings a more humor-filled view of such deep and dark taboos that were normalized in our society. It’s no question that we, as a society, expect more from a woman than we do a man, and the double standards never stopped existing. The struggles of being a woman, the concept of the glass ceiling has been ignored, especially from the political angle, women in Lebanon don’t feel safe in their own country, and even in their own homes. In 2021, The Human Rights Watch stated that Lebanese women continue to face discrimination under 15 distinct religion-based personal status laws. Difference in access to divorce, child custody, inheritance, and property rights.
Despite that, women continued to vocalize their struggles. Despite allegations of toxicity from males who are simply threatened by the power women have nowadays to vocalize issues that have been ongoing for years if not decades or centuries. Just as relevant now as it was back then, Simone De Bouvoir’s opinion on women as “the second sex” remains true; women are constantly perceived in relation to a man. A successful woman can have a stellar career and live happily, but if she’s not married, it’s “such a shame” and “she’s hiding her need for a man under a smile”. However, a man who is successful is seen as powerful enough to resist temptation on his way to the top.
How odd it is that we assume that after all women go through during adulthood, they should still have healthy relationships based on giving and taking, when the reality is that most women end up doing most if not all the giving. Feelings of resentment, coupled with feelings of betrayal from society’s harsh molds, a woman can’t help but develop resentment. Feeling bitter, and desiring revenge whether conscious or subconscious, a woman often becomes a wife who desires nothing more than justice. So, the question becomes who suffers more in the end?