By Nour Makarem | Staff Writer
I was scrolling through Tik Tok the other day when I came across a considerable amount of “stay-at-home girlfriend videos,” from user @KendelKay. The comments were flooded with people idolizing such content, commenting “goals” or “me in the future,” clearly in support of the lifestyle portrayed by the user. Per the name of the trend, it seems that there’s been a surge of women in relationships who are preferring to stay at home as the home-maker and do typical “wife” things, whether it be baking or lounging around in beautiful clothing, there’s clearly an elegant and glamorous connotation tied to the concept. Who wouldn’t want to live a life free of the stress of a 9 to 5, where the biggest decision one would be faced with included nothing more than “what outfit should I wear today,” or “what should I make for lunch,” with plenty of free time to explore one’s hobbies or simply call off the day for self-care? Personally, I don’t know anyone, even male friends of mine, who would pass on a life of softness, where one exists in a state of delicateness. Without the kind of labor that would callous one’s fingers and with enough time to wake up fresh-faced from a good night of sleep. This seemingly new addition to new-age feminism, however, is not something I would say came out of nowhere.
In earlier years, women were more violently advocating plainly for equal rights – equal pay, equal jobs, equal treatment – God forbid a man came along and tried to place her in the role of homemaker – we were destined for more than that. But somewhere along the way, it seems that the movement advocated for the hardening of the feminine, where men were no longer holding the door open, or offering to pay. Now, we have “wifeys” or “whores,” women deserving of nurture and heart-eyed emojis, and those who were reserved for club nights or one-night stands. Feminists signaled “scary monsters” and were women who did not want to be cared for, who men could simply never get their way with.
Don’t get me wrong, I too was a self-proclaimed feminist, and still am. But I feel that the heart of the cause got lost somewhere along the way, at least in more Western societies. I do believe in Malala Yousafzai’s bravery to stand up against the Taliban and advocate for girls’ education, fighting against child marriage in rural India, and women’s right to drive and be seen as equal in Saudi Arabia. However, I also feel like in asking to be seen as an equal, we lost sight of the differences that are unique to women and the strength of being a woman. We asked to be heard, and we were, but in doing so we forgot to embrace the divine feminine. Thus, the rise of the stay-at-home girlfriend came to be, seemingly from years of neglecting this part of ourselves. We edited ourselves and gave rise to the “angry feminist,” which at one point worked for us because we wanted to stand and make our cause heard by the men in our lives. In doing so, however, we watered down the essence of femininity that initially convinced those responsible for depriving us of equality to not allow us to feel seen.
The loudest proclamation of feminism one can make is embracing the traits society previously deemed as “weak” to stand as virtues of strength. There is strength in being vulnerable. There is strength in displays of emotion. There is strength in nurture. Screaming often doesn’t make others hear you more clearly. It feels as though the same women who screamed at the top of their lungs for the causes they believe in and felt that they had to take on more harsh approaches that did not align with their own identity are coming to realize that they can exist in whatever form is most comfortable for them and still advocate for feminism.
The movement of feminism itself advocates for the equality of women, but did we forget that advocating for such a thing means that we are advocating for the freedom of choice? That was the point of the movement, to begin with. Gender roles were hurting those who did not fit into the mold of women’s societal roles at the time, but what about the ones who enjoyed the more feminine roles? Where was feminism for them? We know that too much of anything is harmful, so why do we try to push our beliefs on others? I was guilty of this in the past, looking down on the women in my life who chose to adhere to gender roles and feeling like they betrayed their equality or passed on devoting themselves to a career path or were limiting themselves. Then, I realized that I was doing the same thing that was an issue to begin with – trying to set an expectation for what it means to be a woman. Additionally, whoever said that the role of the other or home-maker was not important? If anything, I’ve grown to understand how complex and important it can be, as well as highly challenging yet rewarding. I grew to appreciate the women in my life I had previously overlooked.
Feminism should make space for all women and all choices they make. The essence of the movement, to begin with, is that we should be seen as equal in value despite gender, and so how can we do this if we are constantly pushing some women to be something other than who they are or to fit into other roles than the ones that work for them? Personally, I think that the woman who chooses to get married and remain a stay-at-home mother is just as important to the movement as the one who chooses to pursue higher education and devote herself to her career- and sometimes it is the same woman who chooses to do both. After all, women come in all forms, whether it be sexuality, race, or body type, as long as we are offering a seat at the table to all of these forms, then we can open the conversation to encourage a more inclusive, free-flowing, and positive form of feminism.