By Razan Matar – Staff Writer
As a woman, from a very early age, it is customary to hear the phrase “when you become a mother”. It’s never “if you become a mother.” It’s ingrained in our being that women are meant to reproduce at some point in their lives. In the MENA region, the idea that women will eventually be mothers is a construct that has been adopted into the gender for centuries. Motherhood is considered a rite of passage, an unavoidable direction within our womanhood. As Arendell mentions in his essay, womanhood, and motherhood are treated as “synonymous” identities and experiences (Arendell, 2000). Hence, being a mother in another form that isn’t within the “biological” idea of a woman is rendered as not “real” or invalid. Motherhood is constructed under a binary definition. This binary definition suggests that only people able to partake in heteronormative biological processes of conceiving and giving birth can be considered mothers. This biological process is what essentially dictates whether a woman is worthy of becoming a “real” mother. If you are unable to fulfill this biological process and become a mother through an alternative method, societies label you as unworthy of being a mother.
“There is a special bond between a child and their biological mother.” That’s a sentence you hear repeatedly whenever someone has been adopted or doesn’t have a biological parent. However, there is a much broader conversation to have here. Why are women who don’t fit the checklist of being biological mothers always labeled and deemed as “less than” mothers who can have children biologically? Why is there a specific connotation to the word motherhood?
Definitions and practices of motherhood are seen as dynamic social interactions and relationships that have been organized by a “gendered belief system” (Arendell, 2000). Hence, women who are unable to play their part in this gendered system, whether it be through infertility or other circumstances are considered unworthy of their gender as women, and their role as mothers. As our society evolves, so should the meaning of motherhood. Despite some progress, our comprehension of what it means to be a mother is still outdated. As Arendall explains, the act of mothering is linked with women, because universally, it’s women who do such an act (Arendell, 2000). Furthermore, motherhood is connected with notions of femininity and a specific gender identity which reinforces mothering (Arendell, 2000).
The term ‘motherhood’ is used unconsciously, with little regard for what it genuinely means to brace that title. In an article by Miriam and Ann about viewing motherhood through the lens of infertility, the authors note that the word ‘Infertility’ itself is not a neutral term (Ulrich & Weatherall, 2000). It doesn’t project any negative or positive connotations. However, when used in reference to women, infertility is considered a deficit. The reason for this is due to the induced belief that motherhood is only truly valid when it’s based on biology. This belief rests on the idea that being a mother is hindered by a “blood tie” or lineage, rather than by a bond that is developed and enriched through nurture and care (Miall, 1987).
This fixed view of motherhood not only limits women’s roles as mothers but also restricts and damages a child’s understanding of their mothers. Since society continuously deems infertile women as not “real” mothers, it conjures a harmful and unnecessary hierarchy, with mothers who conceive children as being more legitimate than those who do not or resort to other means. Therefore, the essence of motherhood should lie not in biological notions but should focus on characteristics of nurture, resilience, and care. These qualities are what is truly essential to motherhood, regardless of how it is achieved. Mothers who have children biologically may fail to cater to a child’s growth because of neglect. Motherlike characteristics are not present only when a biological component is included.
In an article that tackles the topic of adoption, it is stated that parental experiences, whether someone is a parent through adoption or not, rely on the same method of parenting (Miall, 1987). Marginalization within motherhood doesn’t come from a lack of knowledge about motherhood itself, but from the judgemental attitudes that society endorses towards non-traditional forms of motherhood.
Infertile women are constantly put in a position in which their inability to conceive is recognized as a personal failure. It’s innate within womanhood that their rite of passage is to partake in motherhood. The pressure to bear a child is amplified for infertile women, who go through extensive processes in an attempt to conceive a child. However, even when these women do become mothers, they are usually isolated and excluded from traditional experiences of motherhood because they opt for adoption.
This stigma surrounding motherhood is not limited to infertile women who adopt children. Even mothers who can conceive but choose to adopt are labeled and criticized as not fulfilling the role of a “real” mother. For example, a society rejecting other forms of motherhood is seen in the Netflix series Grace and Frankie. In the show, Frankie’s adoption of her two children is belittled by Grace. Grace suggests that Frankie doesn’t fully understand the struggles and experiences of motherhood, because of her infertility. This doesn’t only undermine Frankie’s role as a mother, but also her role as a woman. Yet, time and time again throughout the show, Frankie’s characteristics of being more fanatic and warm-hearted of the character of the duo encourage Grace’s children to have more unfiltered conversations with Frankie.
The idea of motherhood being only certifiable through biology is not an individual construct, it is a reflection of societal attitudes toward family and reproduction. Cultural narratives, medical discourse, and social norms all aid in this narrow view of motherhood. Furthermore, infertile women are constantly pitied for their circumstances, while trans women are often mocked and denied being recognized into motherhood altogether.
This shallow perception of infertile women somewhat mirrors trans women’s experiences. Except, infertile women do not necessarily challenge the expectation and norms regarding gender and motherhood. On the other hand, trans women initially face obstacles to being accepted into womanhood, by being mocked and mislabeled. According to Barber and Yarbrough, trans mothers usually have children before they transition (Barber & Yarbrough, 2014). Yet, trans women whether they have children before or adopt after are still excluded more particularly when they become mothers. To society, they deviate from how a mother should look and behave. They are made to feel as though they do not deserve the title of motherhood not only because of their inability to give birth but also because they are not cisgender women.
Transphobia and cisnormativity are the leading factors that cause trans women to be shut out from traditional motherhood experiences. Unlike infertile women who are seen as “real” women, but not “real” mothers, trans women are categorized as both neither “real” women nor “real” mothers. As a result, trans women are never truly a part of either, a lot of the time they are classified as “others.”
This discrimination towards trans women is an added layer of marginalization that infertile women do not face. The legal frameworks that govern motherhood are designed with heterosexual and cis-gendered couples in mind. Furthermore, they face additional legal barriers and economic inequalities that aren’t set for cis-gendered mothers. Adoption and surrogacy are significant challenges for them. All these factors contribute to the erasure of the opportunities for trans women to participate in motherhood.
With all the following in mind, these individuals showcase a few of the different faces of motherhood. Hence, they are all real and valid mothers and shouldn’t be excluded based on semantics. Parenthood and the dynamics of a mother and father have changed, and so have the dynamics within motherhood. Hence, we need to reframe our perception of the term, without it being hindered by one specific gendered identity. A mother is a parent and a guardian first, where gendered identity and biology should not be the primary focal point of the term.
References:
- Miall, C. E. (1987). The stigma of adoptive parent status: Perceptions of community attitudes toward adoption and the experience of informal social sanctioning. Family Relations, 36(1), 34. https://doi.org/10.2307/584644
- Ulrich, M., & Weatherall, A. (2000). Motherhood and infertility: Viewing motherhood through the lens of infertility. Feminism & Psychology, 10(3), 323–336. https://doi.org/10.1177/0959353500010003003
- Arendell, T. (2000). Conceiving and investigating motherhood: The decade’s scholarship. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62(4), 1192–1207. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2000.01192.x
- Barber, M. E., & Yarbrough, E. (2014). LGBT mothers. Motherhood, Mental Illness and Recovery, 109–117. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-319-01318-3_8