Motherhood: A Choice or an Expectation

By Marwah Al Sakkaf – Staff Writer

Many conservative societies hold the expectation that every woman is destined to be a mother. This has led to a view of motherhood as the ultimate expression of femininity. These societal expectations regarding motherhood lead to increased pressure on women to have children. In other words, any woman who decides to break away from the norms (shaped by religion, and history…) risks being judged, stigmatized, or even ostracized. Regardless of cultural pressures and established gender roles, motherhood should be a personal choice, not a predetermined one.

The stigmatization of voluntarily childless women can be observed in our daily life where childless women are often met with criticism from family, friends, and even strangers, as well as in research and reports. For instance, in a 2015 article for BBC, writer Holly Brockwell shared her experience of facing societal pressure and criticism for her decision to be sterilized and not to have children. According to Brockwell, she has been labeled as “selfish” and “unnatural” and has had to deal with assumptions about her personal life due to her choice. Several of the phrases used by those insulting her, according to Brockwell, were gender-specific and would not have been used with a man in the same scenario.

Furthermore, in “Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed: Sixteen Writers on the Decision Not to Have Kids” book, the author Meghan Daum addressed the double standard that exists between childless men and women. Childless men are often met with a dismissive eye roll at worst, while women are often subjected to criticism and seen as unnatural, immature, or even traitors to their gender.

To further dive into the issue of stigmatization, it is important to acknowledge that traditional gender roles related to motherhood have been reinforced by ideas such as the quote attributed to Sigmund Freud, “Anatomy is destiny”. It is crucial to recognize that a person’s biological body does not solely determine their life choices, particularly when it comes to women. To suggest that anatomy is destiny is to ignore the many ways in which social norms and expectations shape our lives and limit our choices.

Another aspect of stigmatizing childless women is seen in the language that is used to describe motherhood. The word “motherhood” is often associated with specific terms such as sacrifice, burden, care, child-rearing, and teaching, all of which are aligned with the concept of suffering and challenges. Society portrays motherhood as an act of endless and unconditional sacrifice, where a mother loses her identity to raise her children and accepts that suffering. Society glorifies and exalts motherhood that meets these conditions. This can create a sense of obligation for women and mothers to sacrifice their options in life to fit this role, or else risk losing the respect of those around them and being stigmatized.

Moreover, the expectations placed on women to be mothers can also lead to feelings of guilt and inadequacy when they struggle to meet these societal standards or struggle to resist them. This pressure to prioritize motherhood above everything else can force women to choose between their personal goals, desires, freedom, and career, and their role as mothers. I remember a formal speech by Recep Tayyip Erdogan, the Turkish president, which argued that the woman who rejects motherhood is incomplete, deficient and she gives up on her femininity. This sort of discourse reinforces the notion that motherhood is not simply an option, but a vital part of a woman’s identity, which can be extremely hurtful and stigmatizing to individuals who choose not to have children. Furthermore, the concept that a woman’s femininity is linked to motherhood reinforces gender stereotypes and the belief that women are primarily responsible for child-rearing.

In conclusion, societal expectations and pressure on women to become mothers must be critically examined and challenged. Every woman should have the right to decide whether to have children, without fear of being stigmatized, judged, or ostracized. It is important to recognize that traditional gender roles related to motherhood have been reinforced by societal norms that limit women’s choices and opportunities. We must respect and support women’s reproductive decisions and work towards creating a society where women are not defined by their reproductive choices. It is also essential to acknowledge that parenthood involves shared responsibility between both parents, and we should promote a more equitable and fulfilling approach to parenting. By doing so, we can create a more inclusive, equitable, and empowering society for all women.

References:

1. Gee, A. (2015, November 25). The trouble with saying you don’t want children. Retrieved March 29, 2023, from https://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-34916433
2. Daum, M. (2016). Selfish, shallow, and self-absorbed: Sixteen writers on the decision not to have kids. New York: Picador.
3. Turkish president says childless women are ‘deficient, incomplete’. (2016, June 06). Retrieved March 29, 2023, from https://www.theguardian.com/world/2016/jun/06/turkish-president-erdogan-Childless-women-deficient-incomplete